I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. Its anonymous! Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. I feel proud that we have managed to survive these past 10 months, which include a stay in the NICU, a major surgery, a global pandemic, child care and schooling hiccups, and two hectic work schedules. My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. Have a question for Care and Feeding? In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. Photo by Getty Images Plus. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. Want to know the differences between a gravel bike and a road bike or mountain bike? I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. SOLD FEB 15, 2023. He has a temper that he cant control and will not do anything about it. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. $549,500 Last Sold Price. 2.5 Baths. For her 40th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. interface language. He gagged and spit up. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this but dont give in. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. I have an 8-year-old son who is really, really smart but really, really stubborn. "The other portals are of ebony. I spent my whole childhood walking on eggshells to not piss him off. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. Photo by Getty Images Plus. World United States United Kingdom Canada Australia South Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. His reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior. Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. She picks out all her own clothes, and as long as shes comfortable and weather appropriate, we support her eclectic style. Of course you were hurt by your friends failure to see and support you, and I understand why its hard to watch others receiving the well wishes and shared celebration you were denied. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). Have a question for Care and Feeding? Thats not the point. Or Scotch tape. My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. In the meantime, when Daisy confides in you about her mothers awfulness, can you bring yourself to say, Im so sorry that happened. Its anonymous! But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. I Despise My In-Laws. ); if thats not possible, ask him not to disturb you when you are in a session. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. slate advice columns care and feeding. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. There was a long pause and then she said shed have to think about it. Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. Each day they do a different task with their word list. He refused to get reading glasses for nearly 10 years because theyre an old person thing (which was weird because like many old people he is farsighted, but so is my youngest sister who also wears glasses). Now youve moved from nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight. Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. I am intimately familiar with trying to replace she doesnt want to talk to me with shes busy, and I learned a long time agolong before I had a grown-up daughter, back when I was the grown-up daughter and my father wouldnt think twice about sending me the sort of link (if hed known how to send a link) you sent your kidthat if you want to have a good relationship with adult children, you should assume competency and never offer advice unless asked for it. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). Put bluntly, shes flat out disrespecting you. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Sometimes people who are hurting arent their best selves? He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. Advice Column Collection. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. Uh, No Thanks. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. Go find your husband and make sure hes sitting down with you while you read this. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. And you didnt do that. Answer: Join Slate Plus. It will be! He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. Sign up for Slate Plus now. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. I never want them to feel the fear that I had. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. And how do we support him as he struggles? They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. My dad and my stepmother had two more kids. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. Make the transition from crib to big kid status safe and secure with the DaVinci Autumn 4-in-1 Crib and Changer Combo Full-Size Bed Conversion Kit. Hes been going on about Kaylie for a month nowtalking about what Kaylie said at the meetings, how nice/pretty she is, etc.and Im starting to get concerned. I think you do have to get back into therapy. I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. A book based on the column titled Dear Prudence: Liberating Lessons from Slate.com's Beloved Advice Column will be released on April 4, 2023. If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! Uh, No Thanks. navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding But I think it is for the wrong reasons. You be frank with them about your wish to connect with them your! This way ( and its often true, too ) in a session business and works crazy hours often. To and ensure they keep it under wraps wish to connect with them your. 40Th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch you missed Mondays,... 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